The "Billy Joes"

Even so, Michigan's shucking off of all of these Indian (Native-American) names will mean that there will be a shortage of mascots around here. This prompted me to think that an independent author might benefit from offering himself as the mascot for one or more of the local teams. He might fill the breach and get a little positive publicity at the same time. Instead of the xyz "Indians", a school could call itself the xyz "W.J. Rayments". I would be proud to have any team named for me and have cheer leaders building pyramids and tossing around pom poms while enthusiastically chanting my name.

Of course, a team might find "W.J. Rayment" an incongruous appellation. I don't have a particular reputation for toughness, dexterity (or even intelligence for that matter). A high school might have a difficult time getting whipped up into a game day frenzy over the "William Joseph Rayments". Therefor, I would be willing to have them shorten it to the "Billy Joes", which was my nick-name as a boy and has a more familiar ring. Perhaps this could inspire some degree of morale to hulking football players, avid golfers or spinning hoopsters.

After a while the old team name will be forgotten and the new one will find lasting memory in the pride of the students who graduated from a school with such a glorious mascot. In later years I can imagine travelling across country, thrown randomly next to some youth on a plane. I'd be forced, albeit unwillingly, to make conversation - only to find out that this person graduated with honors from a high school that had become the "Billy Joes". What if this person had been inspired to be the best they could be, in part, because he or she identified with me?

Alright, already. Perhaps "Billy Joe" won't garner the phone call that puts my name on every jersey in the high school, gets my face painted on poster boards and on the stationary of every letter leaving the office of the principle. I don't suppose I will get to see my name in the papers and publicity for my cause placed before the public eye.

If "The Billy Joes" just won't do, might I suggest that schools with Indian names take a page out of the book of Michigan University and try some affirmative action. The number of sports teams with "white guy" names is a distinct minority (other than the Spartans). They could adopt a name like "The Pale Faces". I personally would have no objection, and I think a sufficient case for the toughness and marshal skill of this group could be made. Being 63/64ths pale face myself, I feel that I am more than qualified to speak for the rest of the group. "We would be happy to have a sports team named after us."

Custer, one of the most famous of the "Indian Fighters", was from Michigan. There is no reason that some of the schools in the state could not borrow his name. The Crow Indians called him "Son of the Morning Star who attacks at dawn". This would make an awkward nickname, but with a bit of ingenuity cheers could be made up around it. "Two bits. Four bits. Six Bits. A Dollar! All for the Sons of the Morning Star who attack at dawn, stand up and holler!"

Go team.

Call me self-centered, but I still prefer the "Billy Joes". "Custer" might be a bit too controversial and "Pale Face" might inspire some nail-biting on the part of the culturally sensitive. After all, we must think of the feelings of others. Thus, I declare that it is time to give up tradition, and honor and pride in an Indian heritage. It is time to transfer that pride to someone who appreciates it. It is time to become the "Billy Joes".

Mr. Rayment is the author of two books, "The Real Man's Cookbook" and "How NOT to Build an Addition". Both are available at Amazon.com and bookstores everywhere.