Toys That Kill

I so look forward to the hallowed Christmas traditions, not the least of which is the annual warnings of "bad" toys put out by the lunatic fringe of the Consumer Product Safety Commission and their brain-dead, gizmo-hating brethren at the ultra-liberal "Lion and Lamb Project."

The former, the CPSC, has thus far only sent out recall notices on, among other things, 280,000 toy sponges, 310,000 stuffed, polyester pool animals, 140,000 air-powered toy rockets and 188,000 cotton candy machines. In most cases, the recall is based upon the potential of choking hazards or eye and hand injuries. I keep waiting for the CPSC to issue warnings on string, pencils, crayons, marbles, food, water, snow, sunlight and oxygen. These items are obviously dangerous beyond words, offering the possibility of choking, poking, strangulation, poisoning, drowning, frostbite, burns and the inhalation of air polluted by the words of heinous conservatives bereft of any semblance of kindness or compassion.

In the same vein, "Lion and Lamb" has issued their list of "approved and appropriate" toys, as well as their "Dirty Dozen" gee gaws and jim cracks which are the epitome of evil. As you might imagine, this outfit blows a gasket over any toy that advocates competition or implies that firearms have a place in society.

As an example, Lion and Lamb is strongly against the "Nerf Blastin' Zurg," a little action figure that shoots harmless foam missiles at "Toy Story" cartoon character Buzz Lightyear. On the other hand, they endorse something called "Puzzles and Things to Make Bugs Tumble."
This toy is a 48 piece floor puzzle that allows kids to assemble pictures of bugs. However, always the sensitive types, Lion and Lamb assures us that "the bug-phobic can select the Butterfly Tumble or Fish Tumble." The group is appalled by NRG Paintball, a simple, low-powered paintball set designed for rugrats ages eight and up, but dearly love "Puppet's Porcupine." Lion and Lamb describes "Puppet's Porcupine" as " a cuddly porcupine puppet with quills of fur. Unlike the actual animal this soft puppet invites petting and snuggling."

I think my Henry Dog must have received this toy when he was young, as it would explain his propensity to try and pet and snuggle real porcupines. In addition, Lion and Lamb had best take care they don't incur the wrath of PETA or the Earth Liberation Front. How dare they advocate a toy with fake fur. That's downright insensitive and certainly does not imply a celebration of tolerance and diversity or the inherent rights of all living things up to an including Barbera Streisand and other single cell organisms.

So, as has become MY Christmas tradition, I hereby present a list of toys and games which would leave the Lion and Lamb Project glowing with almost carnal delight. Or, at least it would leave them that way if any of this stuff really existed.

SHOOTS AND LADDERS
In this game, appropriate for ages three and up, children move their Charles Shumer tokens around a board in an attempt to collect the toy handguns, rifles and assault weapons which are of course the root cause of all societal problems including bad breath, reckless driving, unplanned pregnancy and a failure to master the most rudimentary aspects of "Hooked on Phonics." These deadly, half inch long weapons may then be traded for sugar-free candy in a special buy-back program.

TICKLE ME CLINTON
Cuddly and lovable, this life-sized stuffed animal features the face of our former Commander in Heat in full drool mode. Press his stomach
and he utters hilarious phrases such as "I really love ya baby" and "where's my cigars?" Socially correct, this toy is manufactured exclusively by impoverished Arkansas children with hooks what ain't got but seven toes but know that their pain was felt.

TWO BY FOUR GORE
Teaching young ones the ways of politics, tots are encouraged to ask questions of this #3 grade, six foot piece of rough-cut fir that is a realistic rendition of "the man who would be queen." The wisdom emanating from "Two By Four Gore" is an amazingly accurate reproduction of the loser Vice President's exact words and demeanor.

THE GAME OF WIFE
Fully endorsed by Jennifer Lopez, Lisa Marie Presley and any of the Gabor sisters who aren't dead or in a coma. As if you could tell.

MICHAEL JACKSON'S "DREAM DATE"
Comes complete with a full length mirror and an old photo of McCauley Culkin.

IRAQ AND A HARD PLACE
Impressionable youngsters are urged to Jihad in this knee-slapping family fun-fest. The first player to "eradicate" 700,000 indigenous human pests via "nature friendly" biological tools receives an 11 year "free pass card" from the special United Nations deck. The first person to say "we have no weapons of mass destruction" without snickering wins the game.