On the web since 1997
Toys That KillRon Marr / Troutwrapper -- Ahhh...The Christmas season. The time of giving. The renewal of the concept of "peace on earth, good will towards men." I just love the idea of chestnuts roasting over an open fire, the replay of "It's A Wonderful Life." I adore the holiday smells of turkey, clove and cinnamon, of fresh cut pine decorated with tinsel, lights and long
cherished, fragile ornaments.
I so look forward to the hallowed Christmas traditions, not the least of which is the annual warnings of "bad" toys put out by the lunatic fringe of the Consumer Product Safety Commission and their brain-dead, gizmo-hating brethren at the ultra-liberal "Lion and Lamb Project."
The former, the CPSC, has thus far only sent out recall notices on, among other things, 280,000 toy sponges, 310,000 stuffed, polyester pool animals, 140,000 air-powered toy rockets and 188,000 cotton candy machines. In most cases, the recall is based upon the potential of choking hazards or eye and hand injuries. I keep waiting for the CPSC to issue warnings on string, pencils, crayons, marbles, food, water, snow, sunlight and oxygen. These items are obviously dangerous beyond words, offering the possibility of choking, poking, strangulation, poisoning, drowning, frostbite, burns and the inhalation of air polluted by the words of heinous conservatives bereft of any semblance of kindness or compassion.
In the same vein, "Lion and Lamb" has issued their list of "approved and appropriate" toys, as well as their "Dirty Dozen" gee gaws and jim cracks which are the epitome of evil. As you might imagine, this outfit blows a gasket over any toy that advocates competition or implies that firearms have a place in society.
As an example, Lion and Lamb is strongly against the "Nerf Blastin' Zurg," a little action figure that shoots harmless foam missiles at "Toy Story" cartoon character Buzz Lightyear. On the other hand, they endorse something called "Puzzles and Things to Make Bugs Tumble."
I think my Henry Dog must have received this toy when he was young, as it would explain his propensity to try and pet and snuggle real porcupines. In addition, Lion and Lamb had best take care they don't incur the wrath of PETA or the Earth Liberation Front. How dare they advocate a toy with fake fur. That's downright insensitive and certainly does not imply a celebration of tolerance and diversity or the inherent rights of all living things up to an including Barbera Streisand and other single cell organisms.
So, as has become MY Christmas tradition, I hereby present a list of toys and games which would leave the Lion and Lamb Project glowing with almost carnal delight. Or, at least it would leave them that way if any of this stuff really existed.
SHOOTS AND LADDERS
TICKLE ME CLINTON
TWO BY FOUR GORE
THE GAME OF WIFE
MICHAEL JACKSON'S "DREAM DATE"
IRAQ AND A HARD PLACE