WASHINGTON/ Conservative Monitor -- It has come to my attention that there are differences between men and women. I know, I know, we aren't supposed to notice those things. But I do have a discerning eye. I have figured out that women are lumpy and men tend to be slightly less so.

When I was a little boy growing up in the wilds of outer-suburbia, one of the favorite games of my brothers and sisters and I was to play with our knives and forks at the dinner table. Taking one implement in each hand and (like a bunch of prisoners in a Hollywood film) we banged them on the table, demanding our food be brought on the double.

When our Mom told us to, "Hold your horses!" We had to find a new game to play. Inevitably, the utensils became people. We had weddings, wars and did a complete stage-production of "War and Peace" with spoons, knives and forks. The spoons always represented females. Forks were the men, and knives were the villains.

I suppose that there must have been a reason that we children attributed the female personality to the spoon. The spoon is rounded in all the right places. It is used in the transfer of life nourishing liquids. It has that subtle aspect reminiscent of the Mona Lisa sitting primly and happily in the Louvre. (I know why her smile is so inegmatic by the way - bad teeth.)

Now the fork exhibits all of the male qualities; it is pointed, sharp, and not very subtle. It is used to convey foods that are typically associated with men, such as meat. Every time we sink a fork into a piece of pork it is a throw-back to when our rugged ancestors pierced the wild boar with the deft throw of a spear.

In our politically correct world I will probably take much criticism for noticing the difference between forks and spoons. The knives of society will be slicing and disecting my words telling me that my observations are the result of conditioning and bear no relation to reality. The knives will say that I should turn a blind eye to these differences and treat my young fork like a spoon and my young spoon like a fork.

Pretty soon the knives will want me to eat my soup with a fork and my salad with a spoon.

Robert Persig in his book "Lila" hypothesized that when a society goes awry it will ratchet back a notch to a previous condition, and then procede on a new tangent. I believe that I shall advocate this procedure for our present society. I am thinking we should all start eating with our hands.

When they leave the tunnel, Clinton had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) The blonde thought - "That rascal, Clinton, wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face"

(2) The fat lady thought - "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again".