Mad Dogs and Englishmen

Which, of course, is an utter fabrication designed to further the odd agenda of those who spend their days campaigning against the ingestion of anything possessing a face. I'm not sure what is wrong with the radical vegetarians and animal activists. I don't know if they suffered childhood trauma, are mentally ill or simply failed so miserably at life amongst the humans that they view themselves as kindred souls with chickens, hogs and Herefords. All I do know is that, through the assistance of a media always willing to air spurious yarns, many take as gospel the fictitious tales of Mad Cow Disease in America. That so many of our country's inhabitants choose to mindlessly believe this rot leads me to one conclusion.

We should not be worried about Mad Cow. But we should be concerned over the hefty percentage of our citizens who think and behave as sheep.

Would you like to know your chances of contracting a fatal illness from chowing down on a t-bone, ribeye, porterhouse or quarter pounder with cheese? There are many other activities, in which we engage daily, which engender far greater peril.

Do you drive a car? Those ruled by fear should refrain from such reckless behavior post haste. An average of 114 Americans die in car accidents every day. That's 41,610 folks a year who enter the Pearly Gates simply because they risked life and limb by firing up the Chevy.

Do you leave your house, perhaps attending a movie or in some way interacting with the general public? Please rethink such foolish behavior. People carry germs. Some of them have the flu. In the US alone more than 20,000 people a year meet their maker because of the flu bug.

There are criminals wandering the great outdoors. In the year 2000 15,517 of our brothers and sisters were murdered. While we're on the subject of emerging from behind locked doors, lets not forget about lightning. On average, 90 people a year go to their reward by way of bolts from the blue. One might conclude that the road to health is to never leave your home and avoid all contact with others.

Wrong again. Staying inside is a vast mistake. Your domicile is a chamber of horrors. In any given year over 300 people die while taking a bath. Even worse is walking down a flight of stairs. This pointless endeavor costs over 1,400 Americans their lives annually. And by all means don't open the mail! In 2001 five people succumbed to Anthrax poisoning.

It gets worse. According to NASA's "Near Earth Object Search Report" there is a 1 in 400,000 chance of a major asteroid striking the Earth. I've noticed, again thanks to the attention of the press, that many folks are scared to death our planet will get hit by a space rock. Each day we stare Armageddon in the eye. Don't kid yourself; when the big one hits there will be no Bruce Willis to save us.

Obviously, there are also other forms of death. Heart disease takes over 700,000 a year. Cancer accounts for over half a million deaths per annum. AIDS will claim about 14,000. Heck, you could be called home by being stationed in Iraq, where approximately 500 soldiers have died since the beginning of our war effort.

The point is this. There are innumerable ways to croak. Statistically speaking, it is possible to shed this mortal coil due to ramifications from shopping, chewing gum, playing ping pong, cutting your toenails, roller skating, sleeping and dating women with an undiagnosed psychosis.

And yet, all the activities and events I've mentioned pose a far greater danger to well being - in most cases thousands of times over - than Mad Cow Disease.

At the time of this writing there has NEVER been a single instance of an American dying from chewing on the flesh of a critter infected with Mad Cow Disease. None. Zero. Zip. Moreover, according to the Center for Disease Control, the odds of contracting a fatal illness from eating British beef, where the government went crazy a few years back and slaughtered over a million animals, are one in ten billion.

Thus, all factors being equal, it appears that there is only one truly safe activity in America.

May I offer you steak?