The Breast of Times, The Worst of Times

Ron Marr / Troutwrapper -- The talking heads and the FCC are still outraged and offended over events which transpired at the Superbowl half-time show. They cannot believe that, during a performance by Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson, the latter gave the viewing audience a topless flash that lasted three microseconds.

How horrible. I can hear the calls going out for collective group therapy. Oh...the trauma! Oh...the indecency! Oh...the humanity!

Oh...the boredom.

That's right. Boredom. I happened to watch the Superbowl this year, even though all my teams got squashed long ago. I was also watching the half-time show, but it was so awful I missed the bare-breast finale altogether. I'm pretty sure I was in a coma.

But even if I had regained consciousness, I wouldn't have cared about Janet's display. Come on, there is much more intense innuendo and suggestion displayed on network television every night. Anybody who gets riled up over this tempest in a teapot would also blow a gasket over the emotional well being of trees. They are the people who write scripture-laced letters to the editor expounding on the heinous conditions found in American ant farms.

In short...they are bored. They simply have no life, other than one which involves a display of their ability to be angry.

On the other hand, Janet's parade of one second, partial nudity did have a purpose. She and Timberlake needed headlines to jump-start flagging careers, and American viewers went for it like a hungry largemouth after a Bass Buster Beetle Spin. The whole shebang was a thinly unveiled publicity stunt.

The head of the FCC, playing along, came out with both guns blazing. "I am outraged at what I saw during the half-time show of the Super Bowl. Like millions of Americans, my family and I gathered around the television for a celebration. Instead, that celebration was tainted by a classless, crass and deplorable stunt," said Michael Powell. "Our nation's children, parents and citizens deserve better." Powell also threw in that there would be an investigation, and it "could" result in fines of up to $27,500 "OR EVEN MILLIONS" if applied to each CBS station.

Yeah right. Just when is Hell supposed to freeze over? I'd like to watch. It would be a lot more interesting than the Super Bowl half-time show.

The FCC holds this criteria for over-air TV broadcasts. Networks are not allowed to air "obscene" material at all, and can't air "indecent" material between 6:00 a.m. and 10 p.m. The watchdogs define "obscene" as